memorial day reflections

This morning we visited our baby's grave along with Gian's dad. It was hard like always. It's been 20 months and while the wounds aren't nearly as raw they are definitely still there. I think about Florence ever single day. I think about what it would be like to do things as a little family. I imagine the kinds of things she would be doing at the age she would be. There is so much in life and in this town that remind me of her constantly.

I think this whole situation is hard for many to understand, after all she wasn't technically born. So many parents talk about the feelings that come over them the moment they lay eyes on their new baby. Well it happens whether they are alive or not. Minus the joy, there are still those feelings of love, amazement, awe, and bonding that happen only to turn around and burry them. I think I have learned that mothers will always miss their babies.

Today was especially hard because it hit me... we're leaving her behind. I had thought about that before but it just didn't seem like a big deal until I was standing over her grave. When we move to Richmond I won't be able to go and visit whenever I want. It was a really hard sad moment for me. I bawled. Loosing a child is hard... maybe especially when the next is still a long way off... but probably just always no matter what.